How To Start A New Life is precisely what this how-to will cover today. Brought to you by…well, we better leave that last bit off.
How to start a new life in 5 minutes
Almost all of us have sat in front of the TV, midway through our third bag of chips and fifth full rerun of The Office, and thought, “I need to start a new life.”
It is always melodramatic, to say the least because what you mean is you need to stop licking chip dust off your fingers, pick up your computer, and get to work on the next project.
You dream of bad habits thrown into the rearview mirror and new, productive ones taking their place.
What you need is to go out of your way and improve your life, not actually start a new one. Before we begin, if you want to go a little less drastic, how about starting a new hobby instead? You could always check out this how-to:
Let’s begin – how to start a new life.
This desire for self-improvement usually sets in sometime around midnight and fizzles out by the next morning, leaving you wondering if 9 am is too early to go to the store for more chips and beer.
But what if you needed to start a new life? Not in the metaphorical, self-improvement kind of way, but in the much more severe “I just screwed that up so badly that I need to cut my hair, change my name to Elgort, and move to Tijuana” kind of way.
This guy jumped out of an airliner with a parachute to escape the law. DB Cooper is still on the FBI’s most-wanted list. But he made his escape after robbing a bank. Food for thought?
Common reasons for asking ‘Can I just disappear’?
Now, we’re not here to dive deep into why you’re reading an article on how to start a new life. The reason is all yours.
Can I just disappear does get searched a lot though on Google, just wondering if these are the reasons?
None of my business? Right – fine, but just in case.
- Maybe you finally got invited up to the 12th floor to meet the bosses, sat in with them for the most significant meeting of the year, and when asked for your input, gave birth to the longest and loudest fart of your life.
- Perhaps your wife is four months pregnant with octuplets and swears they are yours, even though you’re stationed overseas and have been for the last year.
- Or did you mess with a guy named Gulliani Capone by accident, and now he keeps talking about how he wants you to meet his friends Bludger and Beater.
Whatever the reason you have for googling how to start a new life. Here are the 5 essential steps to make sure you’re never found.
Step 1 | Scrub the Internet
Back in the 1800s, starting a new life was a lot simpler. You simply made sure someone saw you throw a scarecrow with the barest resemblance to yourself over a waterfall and moved one county over.
Rinse and repeat as many times as needed.
With the new age of social media and the internet, starting over has gotten a lot more difficult.
You need to make yourself disappear on social media now too. That means even your funniest tweets and wittiest Instagram captions have got to go.
Is trolling off the table then?
Also, this should go without saying, but you can no longer post new content on those social media’s under your old name. You can, however, itch the social media need by creating and posting under your new alias (see step #3 for more on this).
For a classic example of old school disappearing, that ignored the perils of the internet, remember Canoe Man. John Darwin ignored these golden rules and appeared in a promotional video for a Panamanian investment property. Textbook’ New life’ fail.
Step 2 | Take the Essentials
There is no harm starting over with something, as long as that something is not trackable. Small, unmarked bills are your friend, as are valuable things like bars of gold or Faberge eggs, should you be lucky enough to own any of those.
You cannot bring along anything trackable. That includes your old computer, your cellphone, or your favourite 2-in-1 photocopier and printer.
Other essentials you should look into packing are a small collection of unremarkable clothes, shoes, and basic bathroom things.
Step 3 | Come Up with a Believable Alias
Sure, we all want to be named Cornelius Maximus the Third, breeder of high-pedigree Dalmatians for South American Royalty.
The problem is that alias is going to draw attention because nobody is named Cornelius Maximus, and nobody breeds dogs for only South American royalty.
You may as well walk around with a big sign taped to you reading “I have started a new life and do not want to be found.”
Instead, go for a regular name and a bland occupation. Joe Smith maybe a little too dull, but something along the lines of Chris Davies lands perfectly.
For a career, try something that nobody notices. Think along the lines of a garbage collector or accountant, something where you are not always in the public eye. How to start a new life while wearing Joseph’s Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat is beyond our remit here.
Step 4 | Decide Where You are Moving
The farther and busier, the better. If you move three houses down the street, your wife with the octuplets is probably going to notice you pretty quickly.
Try a new country. If you do not want to buy a plane ticket for fear of being tracked and followed (lovely, this isn’t your first rodeo), then bus as far across the country as you can.
Step 5 | Go for it
At some point, you need to stop planning and start doing. Once you have completed the four steps above, dive right in and start that new life. If you are seriously considering this, things can’t get much worse than they currently are anyways.